St. Mary's

...and of course no visit to Ober-Bindlestiff would be complete without a visit to St. Mary's.

St. Mary's is an old and venerable institution in Ober-Bindlestiff, predating the actual formation of the country. Where monasteries devote themselves to beer, St. Mary's is involved in other things that bring pleasure, all of them quite open and aboveboard, and not involving anything even suggestive of carnal sins or carnal pleasures.

Spokesperson for St. Mary's, Sister Mary Margarita, put it best when she said, "There are a lot of things you a visitor to our halls do, our chapter has devoted itself to one of the more harmless ones."

Echoing her are other sisters of the Order. "Even the most impoverished nobleman, or even those of modest upbringing and means, can stop in our sacred lounge and have a few," Sister Mary GinFizz said. "We provide a restful atmosphere from the cares of the world," Sister Mary Vodka Martini said. "We've decorated with everything a discerning patron could want."

Unlike some other establishments, St. Mary's caters to both genders. At first they kept separate rooms, the women on one side, the men on the other. But in the last few years, with a bow to modern principles, they have allowed the genders to mix. Sister Mary Whiskey Rocks put it best when she said, "It's the natural order of things, and provided they behave themselves, who are we to criticize?"

The Order of St. Mary's of the Lounge was founded in the late 1500s, but really did not flourish until the 1680s. In 1681 the Mother Superior of the Order, Mother Mary Scotch and Soda, discerned a need to end the public drunkeness so rampant in the city. Her Order had produced mixed drinks for over a century, but she helped set up a lounge, complete with ferns and a harpsichord player in the corner. Aware of the needs of a modern gentleman in that bygone era, she even provided a dueling ground to handle any untoward disturbances.

This dueling ground is still in operation, but things have changed with the times. No longer do participants duel to the death. Instead honor is deemed satisfied with first blood. And Sister Mary Menopause, who is noted for her ill-temper, enforces the rules.

Those seeking more carnal pleasures are directed down the street to the Convent of Our Lady of the Night St. Jezebel, which is under the control of Mother Superior Lilly Marlene. Others, who find they cannot navigate the streets of the town due to having imbibed a large amount of spirits, are escorted across the street to the Monastery of St. Ignacius of the Flophouse, where they can be put up for the night.

Let it not be said that St. Mary's shies away from those who wish to merely make a purchase and leave. Many orders are fulfilled to speed people on their way into the evening. The Order has many arrangements with the Yellow Cartage Company to see people home. Truly, what other Order is so thoughtful.

So the next time you are in town, be sure to stop in at St. Mary's. It will truly be a night you may even remember the next morning!